All's Fair in Love and War
by LxZrulez
Summary: Once upon a time, Prince Belphegor decided he had nothing better to do than screw with his best friend's love life…er, help his best friend get the ever oblivious guy. Because Viper/Mammon's unconsciously getting impatient, Fon is apparently completely clueless, and the Prince is bored. Very.
1. Chapter 1

**All's Fair in Love and War  
Chapter I  
/o\/0\/o\**

The whole thing started at school. Prince Belphegor was just strutting around, stabbing people left and right and generally minding his own business, when he saw his best friend Viper, a sarcastic, hoodie-wearing introvert, seated under a tree. He plopped down next to her, and Viper turned and gave him one of those eyeless glares she was so famous for. Bel just stuck his tongue out at her. After ascertaining that no, the blonde wasn't leaving anytime soon, Viper returned to her book.

They sat there like that for a long time, until that Chinese exchange student suddenly approached them and asked Viper a question. And—oh holy Trinsette—Viper answered without snapping or demanding money.

That got the seed of evil princely plans planted.

The next time he saw her that day, Bel noticed that she was talking to the same Chinese exchange student, who was carrying her books in a chivalrous manner. They parted ways in front of the library, with the boy waving cheerfully as he left.

That was the first drop of water.

Bel slipped in behind Viper, and tried to jump her from behind. But Viper, with her freaky third-eye or voodoo magic or whatever, threw a book over her shoulder at Bel's face before he could do anything.

"Who was that?" Bel asked curiously. Viper gave him a blank look that he translated to 'I have no idea what you're talking about. Now pay me five hundred yen or leave me alone.'

"I'll call him Noodle-chan," the Prince decided when Viper said nothing. Still, Viper was silent, merely selecting a few novels.

"Shishishi, I wonder how much he'll bleed when I stab him?" the blonde wondered out loud. That earned him another _Sherlock Holmes _book to the face, and Viper strode away, in her arms a large stack of tomes.

The next day was a Saturday, and Bel was bored, so he decided to stalk someone. He followed Lussuria for a while, but decided that yes, there were definitely more interesting things to look at then his fellow Varia member's posing. He contemplated going after Levi, but decided that the huge jock was probably trailing Xanxus again, and dropped the idea because he already knew what the Boss would be doing: muttering "Trash. Go die" and inhaling as much raw meat as possible.

Then his thoughts switched to Viper. Maybe his best friend would be doing something interesting.

And so he flitted around Namimori searching for a girl wearing a black hoodie, and eventually found her walking with her sister Chrome Dokuro and her biological cousin Fran, whom Bel enjoyed using for target practice.

In Chrome's hands were a lot of groceries, and when they passed by Viper's apartment the younger headed off, her cousin assisting her with a few packages. Viper continued on her way, however, striding off in the direction of the high school. Along the way she was met with one of the few female members of the 'Arcobaleno', the highest ranking student council members, Luce, and the two reached the school in the same company.

Then Noodle-chan came into the picture.

Viper was just turning a corner when she bumped into the handsome young man and tumbled onto the floor. Immediately Noodle-chan hastened to help her to her feet and apologized. Bel saw Viper dust off her clothes and hold out her hand in a gesture that the Prince knew immediately as her 'give-me-money' sign. That didn't surprise him.

However, Bel was quite surprised when Noodle-chan readily handed over five-hundred yen; after all, most people would argue, albeit without success.

Second drop.

Bel had a feeling the third drop was coming when, later that week, he and his favorite punching bag were waiting for Viper (Varia business.) They saw her walking towards them from the gym, followed by Noodle-chan. Bel and Fran watched as the two came closer until the two were in earshot.

"…should try working out," Noodle-chan was saying, tucking his book under his arm as they came into earshot. "It would do you wonders."

"I should try punching your face," Viper said sardonically as she joined Bel and Fran. She turned to scowl at Fran and Bel. "Muu. What does boss want?"

"Ushishishi," Bel said, completely ignoring Viper as he stuck his face up at Noodle-chan's. "Hey, commoner, what's your name? The prince wants to know."

Noodle-chan blinked at how close the blonde was, looking slightly uncomfortable. Bel could see that he was an extremely good-looking boy, _maybe _good enough for the prince's favorite baby. (Maybe. Just maybe.) Noodle-chan smiled graciously and extended a friendly hand.

"My name is Fon. May I ask what is yours?"

Bel peered curiously at the outstretched appendage. _I wonder what will happen if I try slicing it off? I wonder how much blood will result? _"No."

Fran clucked his tongue reproachfully, throwing his hands up in an apathetic way. "For a royal, you've got horrible manners. No wonder you're a fallen Prince. The stupid hairy brat's name," the teal-haired boy said, jerking a thumb in the blonde's direction, "is Belphegor. It's such an ugly name, it fits him so well—it's like a match made in heaven!"

Fon started when Bel stabbed a silver knife into Fran's arm, but at the nonchalant look on Viper's face, knew instinctively that this was daily business. He didn't look particularly happy, though. "And your name is?" the Chinese boy asked politely. Fran stared at him.

"Areh? Me? I'm the Apple-headed Top Magician. Ouch," the teal-haired boy whined as Bel jammed a huge frog-head that the prince had procured from nowhere onto his head. "Oo-kay, maybe not anymore. Feel free to call me T. M. The first two initials are always changing, anyway."

Fon looked at Viper as if to say,_ Is he serious? _

The petite purple-haired penny pincher drawled," Fon, that's my cousin, Fran. Muu, Bel, what do you want?"

"To kill Froggy," the Prince answered promptly, a wide grin splitting his face. "Ushishishi."

"Muu, I'll rephrase. What does Boss want?"

"Sirloin steak."

"That's too expensive."

"…Perhaps I should leave," Fon interjected mildly as he watched as Bel wrapped an arm around Fran's neck and proceeded to choke the boy. He turned and ruffled Viper's head playfully before heading off towards the dojo. Bel caught sight of the small flush on Viper's cheeks and grinned to himself. Screw the third drop—this was all the water the little seedling needed.

And with that, the ever polished cogs in the Prince's genius brain began to turn, and it was in a few moments that Belphegor, prodigy of the Varia and resident nut-case , formed a very evil plan to play with Viper's love life. The Prince would help the little snake get her Noodle-chan, yes he would!

(It wasn't like he had anything better to do, anyway.)

"Ushishishi! Ushishishshishi! Ushishishishi~! Because I am a Priii~iince~! Ushishishishishi~!"

Fran and Viper both watched vacantly as the Prince cackled gleefully and gamboled around the school, eliciting the attention and worry of several unfortunate bystanders.

"Hey, Viper-nii," Fran began, watching as the blonde somehow got himself on one of the rooftops and began dancing the cha-cha. "I don't think I like this."

"Muu, I concur," Viper agreed, narrowing her hidden eyes warily. "Bel's got that weird look on his face again."

"The one that says 'I'm gonna screw with you'?"

"Yes."

"Oh shitake mushrooms. We're in trouble, aren't we?"

Viper sighed resignedly. "Probably."

**/o\/0\/o\**

**A/N: **Aaaah, I love Bel to death, I really do. He's just so hilarious in his own princely way! I also like the idea of Bel and Viper/Mammon being best friends. And I love torturing Fran too. *bad, bad me!* The silly Fran-apple is probably my favorite KHR character to bully, along with Dino and Skull. Buahahahaha!

Expect a few more chapters—maybe one or two—but not too many. This story wasn't meant to be very long. (Especially since I can't write long multi-chapter stories.)

Anyway, I hope you liked it so far!


	2. Chapter 2

_**THANK YOU**_ to all of you who read this story, and to ninetailsgirl94, anom, Cool Cupcakes, and MMBOj for reviewing! I hope you continue to enjoy this story. :)

**/o\/0\/o\**

"Froggy, we're going to get Noodle-chan and Mammon together!"

"Areh? Why?"

"Because the Prince is bored."

"That's it?"

"Shishi, yes."

"Senpai has absolutely no shame."

"Shishishi. Froggy will help."

"No."

_Stab._

"Ittai. Okay, fine."

"Ushishishi."

…

"Hey, senpai?"

"Haaah?"

"What if Viper-nii doesn't like Fon-senpai?"

"Shishi, she likes Noodle-chan."

"…Oh, really now? How would you know?"

"Because I'm a Prince~!"

"…As usual, you don't make a lick of sense, stupid hairy bogus royal."

_Stab. _

Sigh. "Senpai, I don't want to be a living pincushion."

And that was how Fran was roped into Bel's evil scheme, albeit completely against his will. And it was because of this, several weeks later, that he, Bel, and Viper were seated in Bel's mansion's library, the two male Varia officers carrying out Part A of Bel's infamously unfathomable plot.

(Fran had no idea how many more parts there were. All he knew was that Bel was very excited about this plan, and that did not bode well. For _anyone.)_

Namely, himself.

But oh, in those weeks before Bel had carefully observed his target (Fon), his other target (Viper), and stabbed his own personal target (Fran) just for the heck of it. Then, one midnight, he burst through Fran's window, threw an apple at Fran's head (effectively waking the teal-haired boy up), and danced around before jubilantly declaring that "The Prince's Part A shall commence~! Ushishishi~!"

Then he had threatened Fran at knife-point. Needless to say, Fran had agreed (albeit reluctantly) to play his part as an unofficial interrogator and pincushion.

"What do you think of Fon?" Fran asked now, sounding like he really couldn't care less as he riffled lazily through his book.

"He's a conceited, hypocritical narcissist who takes up too much of my breathing space," was Viper's answer, which she imbued with considerable spirit. Fran nodded absentmindedly, licking his finger before he flipped a page.

"Hmm. When you see him, what do you think?"

"That I want to use telekinesis to launch him out of a window and into a lake of boiling lava," Viper said immediately, not skipping a beat.

"And when he speaks?"

"I want to make him shut the hell up."

Fran was suddenly bowled over as Bel hopped over, sticking his princely visage directly in Viper's face. His grin widened into a Cheshire Cat grin, teeth gleaming like diamonds.

"Ushishi~, Fran, let the Prince ask the next one…" the Prince sing-songed, giggling to himself as he crawled over the teal-haired boy's body. He promptly seated himself on the teal haired boy's thin frame, and Fran mumbled half-hearted profanities under his breath. "Say, Mammon-chan, how do you want to 'shut him up'?"

Ah. Here came the awkward part.

"…"

"C'mon, Viper-chan, don't keep the Prince waiting~!"

"….."

"…Cousin, anytime today would be positively _wonderful." _

"..."

"…Mammon, the prince isn't getting any younger…"

The plum-haired girl sighed, burying her slowly reddening face into her hands. "Give me a moment."

Bel propped himself up in interest.

.

.

.

Fran shuffled a bit, trying to knock the Prince off his back.

.

.

.

Bel stabbed Fran, because he was moving too much for the prince's liking.

.

.

.

"I want to…kiss him..," Viper finally whispered in a barely audible, tiny voice, her hood pulled lower over her face in mortification. Bel and Fran shot each other slightly conspiratorial looks, Bel's Cheshire Grin growing all the wider.

"Yay," Fran said, his voice flat as ever as he raised his arms in mock reverence towards the sky. "Thank you, Stupid Gigantic Pineapple in the Sky, I love you with all my black hole of a heart, I really do. Can I go now? Why the hell am I here? And is that a knife in my back?"

The knife in question was promptly pulled out and stabbed back in again.

"Shishishi, the Prince is never wrong! Viper's in lo~ove with Noodle-chan~!" Bel declared gleefully, sliding several more polished blades out from inside his sleeves. Cackling madly, he chucked them at the wall, where they joined several more of their comrades.

"Yippee. Give yourself ten points, stupid Prince."

_Stab._

"Not good enough? Fine, you greedy brat, I'll give you a gold star if you stop poking holes into me."

_Stab. Stab. Stab. _

"Okay, okay. I'll buy you some cookies. Does chocolate sound nice?"

_Crash._

"Ittai. Viper-nii, Bel-senpai just tossed me across the room. Punish him," Fran drawled, now hanging upside down from the sofa. "Bel-senpai, you monster. How can you say no to chocolate? Blasphemy. Utter—"

_Stab. _

"Froggy should shut up. Or the Prince will silence you himself."

"Viper-nii, now Bel-senpai's threatening to kill me. He's bullying meeeeeeee. Ooh, look, a butterfly."

Viper clenched her teeth and glared at Bel and Fran simultaneously.

"Muu, Bel, I thought you said you wanted to help me," she prompted, wrapping her arms around her legs, pressing her chin unto her kneecaps. Bel's grin was back.

"Shi. Shi. Shi."

"…Okay, I might not want your help," Viper decided as she studied all thirty-six of Bel's gleaming molars.

"Shishi, too late!" Bel crooned as he took her hand dragged her out the door, catching her cousin by a tuft of teal hair. "Part C shall commence~!"

"…Part C? There's a part C? What happened to Part B?" Fran wailed emotionlessly as he stumbled after his sadistic senpai and cousin. "Bel-senpai, don't leave me hanging out of the loooooooop."

_Stab. _

"Ouch."

**/o\/0\/o\**

**A/N: **Frapple really is fun to bully. Bwahahahahahahahahaha! Fear me foolish mortals! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha! And give me all your strawberries and chocolate chip cookies~! (LOL JK. I's just being a weird cookie DX)

Anyway, a pretty short chapter. But yeah, I hope it was okay. I'm almost done with writing this story, so expect maybe one, or two chapters more, and then the end~! Max, this story will be about four to five chapters long, so I'm pretty much halfway dooooone~! –giggles- Sorry to disappoint those of you who hoped this story would be longer. I am just a lazy pineapple like that. XD

Anyway, I hope you liked it~!


	3. Chapter 3

"Ushishishi. What does Mammon-chan think?"

Viper's eyes twitched. "It's so damned short," she hissed, barely suppressing the urge to wrap her arms around her torso and cover her exposed body. Thank god she had her hoodie still on to cover her eyes.

"Shishishi," Bel chuckled as he leaned back, using Fran's bony shoulder as a cushion. "That's the point, isn't it Mammon?"

Viper casted a revolted grimace at the skimpy ensemble she was wearing. Granted, it was cute, a nice black number trimmed with silver, but seriously…

Why the hell was she wearing a bikini?

"Bel," she growled, her tone dark as midnight. "If you do not tell me what is going on in ten seconds, I will _kill _you. Oh-so-very dead. And _no one, _not even Boss or my stupid cousin—"

"Hey, I'll probably help you kill him," Fran interjected, sucking emotionlessly on a strawberry lollipop that he pulled out of nowhere. Viper ignored him.

"—Will be able to save your princely backside," she continued, her voice low and threatening. "I'm counting, Bel, and you'll be in a world of pain by the time I'm done."

Bel grinned, completely unperturbed. "Shishi, Mammon-chan's so defensive! But the Prince will tell you, shishi~"

He popped off his seat and leaned his face forward, bending down so that his invisible eyes were level with Viper's own unseen ones. "Shishi, tomorrow the Prince is going to take Mammon-chan and the stupid Frog to the beach. Noodle-chan's going to be there, shishi~! And the Prince will make sure Viper and her Noodle-chan get some time together. The Prince hopes that Mammon-chan makes the best of it, shishi~!"

And with that he picked up her discarded clothes and tossed them at Viper's face, saying, "The Prince will buy that outfit for Mammon-chan, shishishi~! Be ready by nine in the morning!"

**/o\/0\/o\**

Chrome had just finished setting up the table for dinner by the time Viper and Fran trudged back into their apartment. The younger sister looked up with a knowing look in her one good eye as her surrogate guardian and elder sister entered the room, tugging her hood relentlessly over her face. Fran immediately plopped down onto the floor and groaned, throwing an arm over his face. He began mumbling something about 'Wonderlands, stupid hairy princes, and apples.'

"Viper-nee-san," Chrome said in that demurely sweet way of hers as she set down the last pair of chopsticks. "Belphegor-senpai called earlier."

Viper blinked. It must've happened while she and Fran were heading home. "Oh?"

"Yes. He said that tomorrow you and Fran-nii are going to the beach." Chrome stopped for a moment, spooning rice into the three bowls. "Viper-nee, Mukuro-sama invited me to go there tomorrow just this morning. Am I allowed to go with you? I mean, if nee-san—"

"It's fine," Viper interrupted, waving her hand in a 'stop' motion. "Of course you can go."

Chrome smiled, her amethyst eye sparkling. "Thank you, Viper-nee!" She paused, then began timidly. "…Belphegor-senpai said that he got nee-san a new swimsuit. May I see it?"

It took all of Viper's self control not to groan aloud. That stupid prince. Stupid, stupid stupid stupid stupid prince.

Chrome, who was watching a vein throb in Viper's face, immediately capered over to the refrigerator and pulled out a carton of strawberry milk. Viper took the drink gratefully, and Chrome escaped into her bedroom for a moment. She quickly dialed a number on her cell phone and waited. After a few rings a young man's voice blared a greeting.

"Shishi, Chrome-chan."

Chrome slid a furtive glance out into the kitchen, where, thank goodness, her sister wasn't paying any attention to her secret communication. And she didn't need to worry about her cousin—he was zoning out on the floor, his eyes blank as a freshly-wiped whiteboard.

"You were right, Belphegor-senpai," she whispered, her free hand cupped around the speaker. "Viper-nee is very grumpy about the swimsuit."

"Shishi, of course."

"…Are you sure Nee-san will wear it? She seems so unwilling to talk about it, and I doubt even more that she'll actually wear it…Please, Belphegor-senpai, don't make nee-san do anything that'll make her unhappy."

"Shishi, there's no need to worry! The Prince is a genius, it's aaa~aaall figured out."

"…Alright," Chrome finally said doubtfully. "If Belphegor-senpai says so. Good night, then, senpai."

"Shishi, nighty-night~!"

**/o\/0\/o\**

**A/N: **Good God of all pineapples spiky I'm a terrible, terrible person, I'm sorry! TT^TT I forgot I already had this written and that I hadn't posted it yet, asoidhaoidhioahioadhpadjpaodjpoajdpjdpojah0fhapofa pojfpoajfpoajpoaf. -is internally raging at self-

But I hope you guys like this little tidbit. Can anyone guess what's coming next? :P


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